Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You Might Also Like
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Genius idea!!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.