How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.