@DrakeGatsby

[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

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@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@mrtruthandsoul

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

@GrantTanaka

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@mistrustme1

I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.

@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

@callmeEvian

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.