*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
New comic up. “Ransom”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
A French press is when you hug naked
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.