Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.


*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.


5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands


Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.


“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.


A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.


What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.