Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is