@rebrafsim

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

@LaceyNycole

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@BuckyIsotope

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@Love_bug1016

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.