[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.