[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Jogging has never helped my memory.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
this article brought to you by lions
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]