townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Is….Is this an option?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*