Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.