@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

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@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@eddiepepitone

Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.

@tracietom

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

@GinRumMe

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

@senderblock23

“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation

@13spencer

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

@mom_tho

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

@brunopieroni

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.