It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
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Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.