@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

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@kumailn

Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.

@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@GingerGander

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

@meredithkachel

You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*

@daddydoubts

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

@Kennedydp5

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

@VaguelyFunnyDan

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

@TwinSurvivalist

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?