Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You know what they say: Can’t spell brother without broth! *pan to my brother sitting in a cauldron, cutting carrots. He waves*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?