Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You Might Also Like
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Bike for sale
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked