Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
dads on road-trips be like
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!