@Tmoney68

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

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@Ophelia_808

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

@ChickenFrecklez

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

@PFTompkins

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@Smooheed

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.