Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.


Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.


Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh


you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know


I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.


Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns


Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.