@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

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@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

@StevenAmiri

Keep “Christ in “Christopher Lloyd” because without it, he’d be “Opher Lloyd” and that sounds like “overlord.” Huh? I’ll have a Sprite.

@geekysteven

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

@solsayswhaaa

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@TweetPotato314

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please