@geekysteven: Toy Story (1995) - A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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@NewDadNotes: Kidnapper: [on the phone] we have your sister, the ransom is $100,000 Me: no thanks Kidnapper: but she’s your family Me: I mean, we haven’t talked in 8 months Kidnapper: you could call her too you know Me: Kidnapper: Me: nice try Mom Dad: [in the background] did it work?
@WheelTod: [On date] Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!" Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family
@murrman5: *opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night
@lisaxy424: Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill