@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

- @geekysteven

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@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@LADaddy

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

@clichedout

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@david_tull

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

@TurnpikeTony

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

@heymermaid

Stop saying I’m my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he’s curried such favor with father

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.