@Lisabug74
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
@AaronFullerton
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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@Lisabug74
@daemonic3
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
@Divergentmama
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
@1NTERCEPTOR_
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
@junejuly12
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
@junejuly12
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
@AbrasiveGhost
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
@Mr_Kapowski
[walks into 4D ultrasound office]
Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women
Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@dumbbeezie
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training