Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.