@Mom_Overboard

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

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@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@tropicalenvy

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

@SSDated

Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!

@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

@theshantilly

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

@sarcasm_inc

*approaches your table*
Magic trick?
*I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*

@SavageAphrodite

My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.