Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Haha good job!!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.