Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke