@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

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@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@Angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

@SkinnerSteven

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

@HatfieldAnne

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

@HomeWithPeanut

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke