“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
You Might Also Like
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I need to get some bricks…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Brilliant!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11