[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Ironic
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.