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@DrakeGatsby: [Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
@JosesLovesYou: -911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
@envydatropic: A coworker just asked if I had any "mouth water" and I am thoroughly confused by this
@AntozWolf: I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
@trevso_electric: "Sushi" is Japanese for "take a picture of this, white girls."
@Sam_Alan33: Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone's favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?