[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

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Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that


Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once


[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen


Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.


HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.


*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.


Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work


[cop car]
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!


Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”


“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician