Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
God: no stop that
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!
Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”
“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician