[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
#growingpains
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand