@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets

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@Brampersandon_

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

@TheBoydP

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.

@BromanConsul

“You knew what you were getting into, Charlene”
“Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage”
“YOU READ MY BIO”

@UnFitz

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

@KPMoore8

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

@UncleDuke1969

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.