Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich