[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Going into Monday like
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source