[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.