[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
i spent way too long on this
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life