[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday