[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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Spring of Deception
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
we’re gonna need another temp
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me :
All Day At Night
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick