gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[with my pet bird at the park]
Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute
Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.