what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
we’re dead?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster