The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.

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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is


What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?


I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit


Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube


[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me


Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.


Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”


“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”


i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.