A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long