“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Cats are still liquid.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”