Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow