@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

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@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@drumforge

yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???

@urmumsausername

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

@kitkova

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

@girlnarly

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up