who named him groot and not spruce lee
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”
yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up