One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I’m unsure of
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem