@Marlinaire

Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.

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@KimmyMonte

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

@Sickayduh

[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”

@Bexdora

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

@amfmpm

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

@MaryKoCo

No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.

@SonOfCha

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.