Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn鈥檛 going to get right back in and take a nap
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Jesus鈥檚 ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
馃毇No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it鈥檚 to look good for nude laser tag season.
I鈥檓 thinking she鈥檚 never asking that again.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My anti theft device in my car is that it鈥檚 manual.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
This kid鈥檚 parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo