Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.

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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.


[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”


Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?


ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine


I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012


So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.


dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?


No, my kid didn’t do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It’s my desk.


You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.