train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge