[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.