@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.

@dafloydsta

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

@MsSkaarsgard

Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.

@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

@davejorgenson

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

@MountainDouche

I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?

@Elizasoul80

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

@rockymomax

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

@NeverOLLG

me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.