TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.