“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
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Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.
Unless they have a gun.
Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.