Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway