trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.


“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.


[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo


“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.


“I like my women how I like my sunglasses…

Sitting on my face…”


My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.


[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]


One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby