@Donna_McCoy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

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@itrevormoore

It’s crazy that Prince Charles now becomes King and has to marry his Mom.

@_Water_Baby

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

@50FirstTates

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

@UncleDuke1969

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015