@Donna_McCoy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

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@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@serenehavoc

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

@PinkCamoTO

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

@swimmingcatspa

Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now

@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@ThatFellaKev

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@GirlRestrained

Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.