Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.


Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now


Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.


Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!


If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team


Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider


The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.