Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow