coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
BRAKING NEWS!!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you鈥檙e a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I鈥檓 putting you in a home.
DAD: We鈥檙e already in someones home.
It鈥檚 called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we鈥檒l have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
yeah 馃槶
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
pat pat
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i鈥檓 not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*