Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”