Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
You Might Also Like
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*pronounces patio like ratio
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
damn he’s good
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.