@only_one_ee

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

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@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@c12h22o11balls

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

@TheTimmyToes

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@DannyEarl

Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.

Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@InternetHippo

I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye

@joeheenan

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him