6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.