Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

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6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]


me: look, we need more strong female lead char-


“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep


Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop


ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.


My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.


Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!


Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.


Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.


I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.