Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
inventing words: clothing
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.