Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.