Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

@LlamaInaTux

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

@CPajamaShark

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

@AndrewChamings

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

@WeedlordKrillin

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

@LostFelicia

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

@mommajessiec

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

@Stap_Jr

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

@LikeABaus91

Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.