@iwearaonesie

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

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@KattsDogma

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@mommajessiec

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

@MMFlint

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

@joerogan

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.