Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: *turns to date* darling
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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10: What does AF mean?
After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?
10: Mom said you were lazy AF.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.