My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Red bull gives you crippling heart palpitations just doesn’t have the same ring to it.