trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You Might Also Like
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!