Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
me as a parent
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”