TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Yes I鈥檓 full of microplastics but it鈥檚 actually been helpful. It鈥檚 given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I鈥檓 mad that I can鈥檛 get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon