@SondraDeeMe

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

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@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@RamblingMachine

I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.

@zachobeepo

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.