I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters
Me: French she; 4 letters
Me: orange drink; 5 letters
Me: bumble; 3 letters
Me: speak; 4 letters
Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters
Me: bug; 6 l-
Wife: oh hell no.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!
For failed past relationships press 1
For why your dad left press 2
For why you’re failing as a parent press 3
For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.