*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
You Might Also Like
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.