[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?